The Lamentation of the Crossroad

I'm at a crossroads.

Things will change because the path veers into the distant twin horizons, one left and one right. Buddhists would say they are the same path, and only my desires twisting reality into illusion would make them appear distinct, but this interpretation would not change my current situation. Let me be clear: in some way I am tearing in two. I do not want to choose to go down either path - one is the path of commitment and one is the path of loneliness. I have lived a very carefree life, floating about on winds as my desires dictated, getting caught in others along the way only to drift free and soar again. Has this lifestyle made me happy? Certainly not - I look now at my life and see how hollow and transient it is, with nothing save one unpublished work and the tears of my loved ones to follow me into the grave. Yes, I have found work that is interesting in a field I can be passionate about, but anyone who knows me knows that work, that profanity, will never make me happy.

Have I messed all this up, or am I attempting to solve an unsolvable puzzle? Are the two paths one, or am I trying to force them to be? I love someone, and that is one of the only pure feelings in all this, in this sudden storm of uncertainty, depression, doubt and boredom. Does that become a beacon, a light to walk towards? Or is it something I am pulling down, my greedy hands clutching it like a thief clutches a gem, something stolen that belongs to someone else. Who is remaking who, when none of us can ever change another?

Ah, alas and ah, the tragedy of good intentions.

To be honest I don't even know how I got here. A few weeks ago I saw one path, stretching before me. Sure, it wasn't perfect, it wasn't a roller coaster or an adventure, but it was a good path, a bright one. And now, in such a short time, the fork in the road. When did this happen? Lamentation, though one of the oldest art forms, have never been of much practical value. Woah is me in that.

I despise all of this, really. This is a problem of THIS world, the world I loath. Only here could love be twisted in such a way, could clean and clear desires make others hurt and lead to broken bonds between two people. We both love each other and yet it somehow does not make it easier - make what easier? What is there to make, what is the it? I can't see the currents in these black waters, can't see the wind that whips up these tempests. I still don't understand this world - just yesterday I walked through the store and saw the world as a canvas, or a tapestry, feeling as if I could reach out and touch the fabric and laugh, wondering how no one else realized how fake it all was.

Lamentation - wailing for wailing's sake. Oh, life is so hard!
Pish.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to any readers that may have mistakenly stumbled on to this site. This is a good example of why blogging can be dangerous - it seems to give us license to whine.

The situation is how it is. I shall try to resolve it with love and tenderness, and if it cannot be resolved, if I have somehow caused irreparable damage, then I shall to the West, and retire to the City of the Bay.

May angels guide my tongue, Hallelujah.